Social isolation interationally

[MartElla]

Has anyone found it difficult before to fit in? I work at a big school in Asia with many great colleagues but as a non-drinking single find it difficult to find meaningful or productive ways to spend my spare time. It seems to be that unless you are young and drink a lot or have a family, it can be difficult to fit in. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? I don't seem to fit into either of the two camps any longer. Thanks.

[expatscot]

It's not affected me personally but I've certainly known people who have been affected that way. One of the key things which my previous school did well (despite its many faults) was to ensure that social events / outings didn't just centre around alcohol. Sometimes you actually just need to point this out, as there may not be intentional exclusion - perhaps suggest a staff BBQ where people can have a beer if they want to or a Coke if they don't, or something like that?

[PsyGuy]

Have you thought of getting married or drinking? I ask because I know what you mean, those seem to be the predominate social groups in IE. My experience has been that those who didnt fit into whatever the available social groups in a particular IS were had to find social fulfillment and opportunities outside of their IS. Those that didnt eventually moved on for elsewhere.

[MartElla]

Marriage and drinking? Been there, done that and got divorced because of it. My drinking (as well as his) played a part in that. Maybe it will happen again in the future but I'm in no rush.

I think I might have to really look outside the social circle provided by the school. It certainly is difficult to fit in without drinking or having kids.

Other than that, I love the school and the country. I just feel a bit left out. I wouldn't say I feel sad exactly, but perhaps lonely more often than I wish to do so.

[chilagringa]

I assume that if you are at a big school in Asia then you are in a city with a sizeable expat population. I highly suggest finding groups (expat, local or mixed) that cater to your interests/hobbies. Meetup or Internations can be good. I don't drink a ton and I have found reaching out and making friends through mutual interests the best way to meet people. And... I sound like my mother. Sigh.

Also, is there any reason you can't hang out with drinking people? I am often sober, and drunk people don't tend to notice.

[PsyGuy]

@MartElla

I understand, when you dont identify with any particular social group, they generally dont include you in those hallway and faculty work room conversations, they dont pop in to see how your doing, and chat/talk. You dont get invites to social activities.

It seems like youre going to have to do it yourself, if youre in a big enough location try (www.meetup.com), if there isnt a lot going on or the activities that are going on are mostly pub crawls and drinking activities you are going to have to do it on your own.

[sid]

Is it possible to organize a few things yourself? Saturday brunch, not at a free-flowing champagne place, but at an a la carte cafe? Dessert club, visiting select restaurants to try the best desserts in town? Game night at your place? Bike rides or walks around town? Progressive dinner? If you can make them open to lots of people, you might find some like-minded souls also hoping for something a little more creative socially.

[PsyGuy]

How does that work? There are two groups the young drinkers, and the families, if there was a third group of independents she the LW would be associating with that group. Thats the issue, there isnt that third group to do those brunches or desert tastings, game night, etc.

[sid]

Yet.

[cms989]

Been in this situation. Agree with sid, start organizing things yourself. Couchsurfing or facebook expat groups are a start. You might be surprised how many likeminded people you find. Co-ed sports are good. Look for existing groups and events also

[PsyGuy]

@Sid

Yet, you cant make something from nothing.

@cms989

I agree outside groups are the way to go, what I dont see happening is creating another social group into the IS, and not just a pity group.

[sid]

Of course you can make something from nothing. We do it all the time. And anyway, it's not nothing. It's people who wish there were something else, but don't know where to look. Or people who aren't even wishing, but as soon as you offer it, they'll realize it sounds like fun.

Slightly adjusting track, I can confirm that these "alternate" social paths exist in some schools. I have no data on how many, but we have one in my current school (which is more active than the other two types), we had one in my last school (less active, but decent), and I've seen them in other schools too. There is hope for the OP!

[mamava]

If you're at a big school, it can be hard to see past the obvious groups. I'm in the parent group and I do get tired of the drinking events. At my current school, there a lot of mixing in the local culture. People are in cross-fit groups, trivia groups, take dance classes--sometimes on their own, sometimes in a small group. I know of teachers that get together 2x a month for dinners, we have a couple of book clubs, a ./cigar night, men's pickup basketball once a week. I've seen a group doing PX90 after school and workout groups that are clearly following an app or program. All started ad hoc by teachers. I've worked in countries where mixing in the local culture is either not possible or very difficult and places where it's much easier. It's hard to break into established groups, too, but there may be things going on low-key that you're not aware of. Or, some ideas for how to start something up--esp. if there are new teachers that might be still feeling at loose ends themselves.

[vandsmith]

sports clubs not necessarily with people from school. it's a lot easier in a bigger center. partner and i play a bunch of sports separately with mostly locals. it helps a lot.

but i would agree with sid in that, you could always try to pitch something to the social committee or do it yourself. if you are in this "third wheel" position, surely there are others who were/are, OR who are kind of being dragged out by one or the other group. you never know until you try.

personally, i find hanging with the married with kid(s) crowd to be quite boring, if only useful sometimes. there are exceptions of course, but the things my partner and i are interested in aren't really the things these family people are interested in (maybe anymore).

best of luck!

v.

[MartElla]

I spoke to a colleague of mine today and was surprised to hear that he feels the same. He's a very funny, witty character who is loved by the high school students. He's early 40s, but he said that he feels he is often left off the invitation lists for get togethers and social events. Not only that, but he feels isolated somewhat as other teachers rarely check in on him. I was shocked as he is such an integral part of the school. He's even considering moving on, as he's not sure if the school is the right fit for him after trying for these two contracts.

If he's struggling, then there must be others in the same position. I like the idea of trying to start get togethers and see if I can entice others that way. I'm happy to branch out outside the school, but I also feel the lack of a support system made up of my colleagues. I think I need to work at this and give it a try!

Thanks for all the tips. Any more tips will be appreciated!