To those of you who have been living abroad for several years...
do you ever feel guilty for being away from family and life-long friends for so long???? Best friend's children who don't know you, losing the last few years with a grandparent? The fact that I am late 30s, single and according to some at home, "losing all roots." I have an international soul but often the internal and projected guilt I am sent leave me in conflict.
Guilt trips from home
Ditto
All I can say is YES!
I do feel guilty. I too have an international, always have. I feel bad for missing out on people, times and friends.I'm not sure yet whatwe'll do. We've only been out for 3 years and make time a few times a year to visit various friends and family on a starting schedule. We're considering a further move which would mean less contact and stretched roots. It does start to feel like you're losing some of your connection and roots. I don't know what to do about that with those at home. I just try and keep in touch but its hard. Over here we have a new set of friends and try and keep some north american traditions going.
Neptune
I do feel guilty. I too have an international, always have. I feel bad for missing out on people, times and friends.I'm not sure yet whatwe'll do. We've only been out for 3 years and make time a few times a year to visit various friends and family on a starting schedule. We're considering a further move which would mean less contact and stretched roots. It does start to feel like you're losing some of your connection and roots. I don't know what to do about that with those at home. I just try and keep in touch but its hard. Over here we have a new set of friends and try and keep some north american traditions going.
Neptune
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interteach
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Exactly!
I guess I've been trying to categorize and deal with that expectation for the last 3 years. We have been the ones take the time and money to go back and travel home, most people have come once and a few have come twice. I just find it irritating that people expect you to come tot hem and make no effort to come to you. You are absolutely right, people need meet half way. Why is the expectation that the person away does all of the travelling effort??!! I just need to get over it and release myself from the guilt of that expectation. Any suggestions? My husband and I live only a 3 hr flight away from family and friend but we are contemplating and planning a move that will be between 8 and 22 hours at the end of the year.
Thanks!
Neptune :?:
Thanks!
Neptune :?:
guilt, guilt, guilt
I am happy for you that you see how your family and friends are manipulating you. Tell them to quite watching the news! Take the job that is far away. They will appreciate you even more when they see you less!
When I first moved overseas (Saudi), everyone tried to tell me they would never see me again because I'd be dead. My last year in the States, several times kids brought guns into my school. That hasn't happened yet in my overseas positions. Where am I in more danger?
When I first moved overseas (Saudi), everyone tried to tell me they would never see me again because I'd be dead. My last year in the States, several times kids brought guns into my school. That hasn't happened yet in my overseas positions. Where am I in more danger?
Re: Guilt trips from home
At times I do feel disconnected - my motheris has cancer and we are going home at Christmas for the first time in ten years. We visit every summer though, and I was out in April of this year - that makes 3 times visiting :-)
I can see the time coming when giong home becomes less important. Some summers I feel more like staying here and lazing around the pool enjoying the 40+ C heat and drinking my mint lemonade while I relax, then work out, then go for a massage. Cheaper than travelling too - although we have been to Malaysia, Egypt, Jordan, and India in the last two years, not to mention Kuwait and Bahrain. We would have been a month in New Zealand and Hong Kong this break if it weren't more important to go home.
You never know what is going to happen in your life and you certainly won't know what awaits overseas unless you try it.
Good luck - and don't let the guilt get to you (when we went overseas for the first time in 1998, my wife's family laid a huge guilt trip on her - now we can't imagine not having gone overseas!)
[quote="Wanderlust"]To those of you who have been living abroad for several years...
do you ever feel guilty for being away from family and life-long friends for so long???? Best friend's children who don't know you, losing the last few years with a grandparent? The fact that I am late 30s, single and according to some at home, "losing all roots." I have an international soul but often the internal and projected guilt I am sent leave me in conflict.[/quote]
I can see the time coming when giong home becomes less important. Some summers I feel more like staying here and lazing around the pool enjoying the 40+ C heat and drinking my mint lemonade while I relax, then work out, then go for a massage. Cheaper than travelling too - although we have been to Malaysia, Egypt, Jordan, and India in the last two years, not to mention Kuwait and Bahrain. We would have been a month in New Zealand and Hong Kong this break if it weren't more important to go home.
You never know what is going to happen in your life and you certainly won't know what awaits overseas unless you try it.
Good luck - and don't let the guilt get to you (when we went overseas for the first time in 1998, my wife's family laid a huge guilt trip on her - now we can't imagine not having gone overseas!)
[quote="Wanderlust"]To those of you who have been living abroad for several years...
do you ever feel guilty for being away from family and life-long friends for so long???? Best friend's children who don't know you, losing the last few years with a grandparent? The fact that I am late 30s, single and according to some at home, "losing all roots." I have an international soul but often the internal and projected guilt I am sent leave me in conflict.[/quote]
re: Guilt trips from home
My family moved overseas 12 years ago. It was hard for us at first. It was more difficult for family and friends to accept out new lifestyle. For many years we brought home, every summer holiday, gifts for people from all the places we traveled that year. Friends and family enjoyed receiving our gifts, listening to our stories and looking at our pictures, for a time--15 minutes. The gifts have stopped and we rarely share pictures. Occasionally, I send picture of my kids to the inner-family because that's a doable thing--as well as updates on our life, even those have been shortened over the years because I got fed up with people's 2 line replies.
I am not bitter, nor are my spouse and kids, we've adjusted to life overseas because we've made the choice. We do love it!!! And reading the news today about ice-storms etc...just firms up our decision.
After the years passed we lost touch with some friends but made wonderful new ones overseas. Our two children, one left Canada when he was 2 years of age and our daughter, born in Saudi Arabia, have a fabulous life, attend excellent schools and live quite safely. As Third Cultured Kids (TCK's) I am proud of who they are becoming.
We do have a summer home in Canada that we usually return to for our summer holidays but we've begun to question that objective and cost factor. Our home is where we live now. It is where our kids do their homework. It is where we sleep 11 months of the year. Home is where we eat, prepare food and socialize. Home is where we hang out together. When people ask,"are you going home this holiday or for the summer." I reply, "I am home but no, I am not traveling to Canada."
With the Internet there are so many ways to stay in intimate contact with people i.e., emails, blogs, personal web sites, video phone, online stores for gifts or gift certificates, e-cards and on and on it goes. Relationships are a two way road. You can make efforts, do all the keeping in touch but a time will come when you will be tired of the one who does it all. It is a normal expatriate-cycle.
People are as busy as they choose to be. Letting go will be a decision that falls naturally into the expatriate life. Family or friends, we love them but they too must put an effort toward cultivating the relationship --that should be done whether you're living down the street or on the other side of the planet. Agreed? They could save their pennies, book a flight and visit you. There is an odd amount of expectation for the expatriate family to return "home" once or twice a year. Why?
I think when you decide to live as an expatriate you must learn to tweak your lenses more often that if you were living in your birth or passport country. Seeing things differently, when overseas, is one of the key elements for not suffering. That being said, if you are suffering or continue to suffer, then perhaps expatriate life is not for you--despite all the great things and terrific lifestyle living abroad offers, if you continue to see things through narrow colored lenses you will miss "home", feel guilty and begin booking your flights "home" the day after you land.
I am not bitter, nor are my spouse and kids, we've adjusted to life overseas because we've made the choice. We do love it!!! And reading the news today about ice-storms etc...just firms up our decision.
After the years passed we lost touch with some friends but made wonderful new ones overseas. Our two children, one left Canada when he was 2 years of age and our daughter, born in Saudi Arabia, have a fabulous life, attend excellent schools and live quite safely. As Third Cultured Kids (TCK's) I am proud of who they are becoming.
We do have a summer home in Canada that we usually return to for our summer holidays but we've begun to question that objective and cost factor. Our home is where we live now. It is where our kids do their homework. It is where we sleep 11 months of the year. Home is where we eat, prepare food and socialize. Home is where we hang out together. When people ask,"are you going home this holiday or for the summer." I reply, "I am home but no, I am not traveling to Canada."
With the Internet there are so many ways to stay in intimate contact with people i.e., emails, blogs, personal web sites, video phone, online stores for gifts or gift certificates, e-cards and on and on it goes. Relationships are a two way road. You can make efforts, do all the keeping in touch but a time will come when you will be tired of the one who does it all. It is a normal expatriate-cycle.
People are as busy as they choose to be. Letting go will be a decision that falls naturally into the expatriate life. Family or friends, we love them but they too must put an effort toward cultivating the relationship --that should be done whether you're living down the street or on the other side of the planet. Agreed? They could save their pennies, book a flight and visit you. There is an odd amount of expectation for the expatriate family to return "home" once or twice a year. Why?
I think when you decide to live as an expatriate you must learn to tweak your lenses more often that if you were living in your birth or passport country. Seeing things differently, when overseas, is one of the key elements for not suffering. That being said, if you are suffering or continue to suffer, then perhaps expatriate life is not for you--despite all the great things and terrific lifestyle living abroad offers, if you continue to see things through narrow colored lenses you will miss "home", feel guilty and begin booking your flights "home" the day after you land.
What an interesting topic and one that really hits home for me. I guess I would have to say that I am the other side of the coin. I admire all of you that teach overseas and the opportunity you give your children. That was a huge reason that we decided to give it a shot. We really do love teaching overseas when we are there but we made the decision to come home for Christmas this year. What a wonderful time we are having! I must just be lucky cause I really haven't had any family or friends make us feel guilty for being away. Being around them and spending time with our families has just made me miss being around them even more. (I know what a wimp!) I should add that we have only been overseas for 5 months so in NO way am I even close to being a veteran.
My 5th grade daughter today let me know that it is going to be hard to get back on that plane Dad! The worst part is that I agree with her. (Of course I never said that to her!) Not trying to whine at all and we will fulfill our two year commitment as we should but I would be lying if I said I was excited about it. I am not sure that we were doing the right thing for our family.
I have so much respect for all you that teach overseas and the neat places your children get to see and visit. What a great opportunity for your family. I guess I am just now realizing that after 15 years in public education in the US that maybe I am just more cut out for that then the Overseas life. Wish that wasn't the case!
:?
My 5th grade daughter today let me know that it is going to be hard to get back on that plane Dad! The worst part is that I agree with her. (Of course I never said that to her!) Not trying to whine at all and we will fulfill our two year commitment as we should but I would be lying if I said I was excited about it. I am not sure that we were doing the right thing for our family.
I have so much respect for all you that teach overseas and the neat places your children get to see and visit. What a great opportunity for your family. I guess I am just now realizing that after 15 years in public education in the US that maybe I am just more cut out for that then the Overseas life. Wish that wasn't the case!
:?
Going home at Christmas
My wife and I went home at Christmas. If I were to do it over again, I'd stay in the area and travel. I know it's different for everyone, but there is an adjustment period the first year when 'home' is where you're coming from. Eventually 'home' is were your family is and you've truly made the adjustment. I wished we'd stayed and really made the mindset change to seeing our overseas post as home. Only then can you really appreciate the experience. Or at least that was for us...
Ditto
I have heard that the first year is the toughest. I think it was for us too. I have also heard people say don't go back for the first 6months otherwise you'll want to stay. Not sure if that is true but anyway.
Its great 90% of the time and hard 10% of the time!
Its great 90% of the time and hard 10% of the time!
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Trust me I can use them!
Very good points made about not returning for the first 6 months.
While I say that of course we had a great time maybe too great of a time!
I am just hoping when we get back and into our routine that we will all feel
better about where we are at. Could be a long 20 hours in the plane ride tomorrow but here we go!
Thanks again for the encouragement. :?
Very good points made about not returning for the first 6 months.
While I say that of course we had a great time maybe too great of a time!
I am just hoping when we get back and into our routine that we will all feel
better about where we are at. Could be a long 20 hours in the plane ride tomorrow but here we go!
Thanks again for the encouragement. :?
Good luck!
Good luck and have an amazing time! Enjoy the ride all the great times and the frustrating ones too They make for great stories, benchmarks and memories. keep in touch!
Neptune! :D
Neptune! :D
Pros and Cons of being an Expat
For my American colleagues, I would imagine that it's a lot tougher, as Africa or the Far East seem such a long way from the States. For English teachers in Europe or the Middle East, it's not such a big deal.
guilt trips
Dear shansar, did your family make it back safely? Are you settling back in? Can you offer advice based upon your experience, now that the trip home is somewhat behind you?