Needed: Advice for troubled teaching couple

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mstaller
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2012 4:53 pm

Needed: Advice for troubled teaching couple

Post by mstaller »

My boyfriend and I were hired and signed a contract for two years in Central America.

We have both been under a tremendous level of stress lately, and our relationship is suffering because of it.

He has only taught for 2 years, and isn't even sure if he wants to teach.

We are "taking a break" right now, but I am looking for advice on

1. Will the school still take me if he backs out?

2. How can we strengthen our relationship if we do go to El Salvador together? I hear the first year of international teaching can be very strenuous on a relationship.

3. If we decide during the course of our contract to break up, what happens?

If you have any experience with this or know someone who does, please share. I'm upset, concerned, and anxious about all of this, understandably.

Thank you.
liketotravel
Posts: 106
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:58 pm

Post by liketotravel »

I worked at a school in Central America, where the girlfriend left the boyfriend and broke contract. He stayed many more years. Every school is different, but it may help you if something happens that you're in a very passionate and volatile part of the world where relationships are everything, they could be more understanding.
sevarem
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Post by sevarem »

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but if your relationship is in trouble, then going to El Salvador is likely to make it worse, not better. If the both of you want to save your relationship, then you might want to put off going overseas until you've worked things out. Otherwise, you're very likely heading into a very painful and difficult year overseas.

To answer your questions:

1. Depends on the job the school offered you and how much they need/want you.

2. I don't know. I want to say that you probably can't, but who knows? I will say that the first year overseas can be incredibly stressful, difficult, and sometimes isolating if you don't make friends right away. Even if you LOVE it, you'll still be dealing with culture shock, adjusting to a new country and a new school and a new lifestyle. If your relationship wasn't STRONG to begin with, this kind of change can and might possibly destroy it. Going overseas is not a panacea for troubled relationships. At all.

3. One of you either quits and goes home or the both of you stick it out, but have to deal with the extreme awkwardness and possible pain of living together/seeing each other every day/not getting a break from each other/constantly knowing what's going on with the other.

Please think about this.
PsyGuy
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WOW

Post by PsyGuy »

Im surprised the school took you two as a couple, despite not being married. Usually, heads/admins do not consider bf/gf as a "couple".

1) What does YOUR contract say? Is it written to include language that describes you as a couple? (The international school of El Salvador enters into a mutual agreement with Your name and his name, or just your name"?) Do you have a couples housing allowance? I ask because if the contract is just about you then your fine. The understanding you two are a teaching couple is not a substantive issue of your employment. If your contract is written together with both of you, then it may be an all or nothing issue (they hired both of you, on condition that you would both be working for the school). You see this when one member of the couple is a highly in demand difficult to fill teacher and the other teacher is primary or ESL or something. In other words they hired both of you so that they could get one of you. Is that the situation? If so which one are you? If your the hard to fill teacher then it most likely wont matter. If your the other teacher, you may find that your contract is no longer valid.

You need to evaluate what your position is and what leverage you have in this, before you tell the school.How hard would it be for you to find another school this time of year? Otherwise if you have a weak position you need to wait until your teaching before you two break up.

2) It doesnt matter where you are, the first year of international teaching ANYWHERE is very stressful. The language barrier alone will be frustrating. Its very hard on couples that arent "solid". This is going to add even more stress to your relationship, and western guys tend to do very well "socially" in many foreign countries. You wouldnt be the first woman to loose her guy to a local girl.

3) Once you start teaching the school cant fire you if you break up. If your contract is written to provide you a shared housing allowance or other shared benefits, the school is likely to split those benefits between you (which would be less then single allowances). They may also just modify your contracts with the single allowances.

Honestly, if you and your boyfriend add a lot of "drama" to the work environment, dont be surprised if this reflects negatively on you professionally. You two need to figure your relationship out before you go, once at work your either a couple or your not. Having bf/gf drama will just make you the gossip topic of the school.
mantissa
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:26 pm

Post by mantissa »

Hi, Which school in El Salvador? I have friends who taught there.
Walter
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More nonsense...

Post by Walter »

"I'm surprised the school took you two as a couple, despite not being married. Usually, heads/admins do not consider bf/gf as a "a couple"."

Please remember this advice comes from a self-proclaimed junior admin who has only attended one fair as a recruiter and that as a stealth participant whose school was too cheap to pay the SEARCH fee - or so he himself claims. He really shouldn't be allowed to say such silly things, but it seems he has a protected status on this site.

Fact is that in most parts of the world, most (non-religious?) schools have no problem with unmarried teaching couples. Where they have problems is when there is an unmarried couple and one of the two is not a teacher. That's when visa issues kick in. Not a problem, of course, if both are EU citizens and the school is in Europe, but elsewhere is difficult.
lightstays
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Post by lightstays »

As psyguy says, what does the contract explicitly state? There should be language as to what will happen in the event of a breach. Generally it's paying back some of the airfare/settling in allowance or maybe some of the salary. I'd say some countries might be easier for a relationship where there is some "gray area." But a country with a massive narco-war and gang activity is probably not one of them.
PsyGuy
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except

Post by PsyGuy »

Except Walter doesnt know what hes talking about, its just more admin cheerleading and disinformation.

Schools personally dont have a problem with a teacher bringing their bf/gf. They cant stop someone from traveling to see one of their staff. The issues are 1) they arent going to pay for your bf/gf to visit, and 2) It would be a visit because you can only get a tourist visa. Your bf/gf doesnt qualify for a spousal/dependents visa and they cant get them a work visa.

You didnt say what kind of school it was. Outside of the faith based schools, there are more (many more) "conservative" schools then "progressive ones" (some of this is cultural). When it comes to bf/gf relationships admins (that are open to the idea) approach them as individual contracts and hire, with the understanding and condition that they have to hire both of you, thats all it really is to them. Despite Walters claims, schools and admins really are concerned about these types of relationships, you dont know how many of them go badly, and end up producing drama and complications for the school. Basically, the school doesnt want to get in the middle of a relationship, if/when if falls apart. From a technical standpoint, schools that dont provide housing benefits tend to be easier on the school, so less of a complexity issue if you break up. That said while school will consider candidates who are "together", they are really making recruiting decisions individually. Its not the same kind of leverage a "couple" has, and its pretty uncommon.

I assume you havent started yet from your message, so since the school hasnt really "paid out" anything the only money your looking at is to your recruiting agency if you break the contract before leaving. You need to really take a hard look at your relationship, and your positions. If your bf is a math/physics teacher and your a primary school teacher, with little experience and its a tier one school, they may very well have hired you to get him, and if he bails, they might drop you. There are all kind of scenarios, but we dont really know enough about the situation. This is how I see the options:

A) You two make it work, and live happily ever after.

B) He flakes out and bails before school starts. You get dumped because they didnt really want you. In this case your late in the year, and you arent likely to find a new job. Maybe you get lucky and head to a third tier school, or you teach ESL somewhere.

C) He flakes out after school starts and breaks contract. You keep your job, but now your just kinda dead weight/charity case on borrowed time. You have to become amazing super teacher, and really endear them to you.

D) You break up after school starts. You both keep your jobs, but now you have to work with your ex boyfriend. Everyone knows, and talks about it behind your back. Admin looks bad for making a poor hiring choice. If your the charity case teacher, you have to do the superhero amazing job. On top of that you most likely have living arrangement issues.

E) You break up but fake it.

F) You dont break up, but one of you is secretly faking it.

Personally, i always hope for option A, but usually end up seeing option F, until it becomes option E or D (D is uglier).
Walter
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This guy is shameless

Post by Walter »

"Except Walter doesnt know what hes talking about, its just more admin cheerleading and disinformation"
No cheerleading, no disinformation. Simple facts. When you sign up for a fair, you will be asked if you are single, single with dependent(s), teaching couple, teaching couple with dependent(s). No one will give a stuff if you are a teaching couple whether you are married or not. Most schools will not be able to offer you a contract (unless you are EU citizens taking up jobs in the EU) if you have a non-teaching partner, because they won't be able to get a visa for the partner.
You can always choose to believe PsyGuy and his claim of eight years as a teacher in international schools. (Not true, by the way, and none of those schools he's ben at would ever rank higher than what he would class as Tier 3, and he's never kept a job longer than two years - and that was one job.) Or you can take a look at the stuff he's writing on the Doha thread (where he claims to know more about what happens in a school than a teacher who is actually there at the moment) and dismiss him as a compulsive obsessive poster who has this overwhelming need to have the last word on every subject.
sid
Posts: 1392
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2006 11:44 am

Post by sid »

This is a really tough situation, and I feel for you.
Much of the job scenario comes down to the contract. If you were hired as a single, your job should be there for you regardless of what happens with your BF. If you were hired as part of a couple, it is as you've been advised: up to the school. Be prepared to make a sales pitch, as they may well be wary of the extra risks that could come with a recently separated single taking up a post in a new country.

If you're on a joint contract, and you both move there, but then subsequently break up, the school may split the joint benefits between you, or assign you both single-status benefits, or, in an option not mentioned before, assign the full value of the joint benefits to one person. In many joint contracts, one person is contractually assigned the joint benefits, and the other is assigned a salary only, with no benefits (often it's technically a local-hire contract). This works out fine while a couple is together, but if they split, it leaves one person high and dry. In such a case, the school might well know that the "right" thing to do is different than the "contractual" thing to do, but laws and finances might prevent them from doing more than the contract says. Schools in Central America are usually operating on pretty tight budgets, and don't necessarily have the funds to give unplanned benefits to someone just because her BF split up with her. This is the way it was at the school I worked at in Central America, quite a few moons ago, and I did observe a wife left without benefits when her husband divorced her. She ended up with nowhere to live for the remainder of her contract, and had to resign at the end of the year. (The principal actually wanted to keep her, but the Board had a very strict policy that local-hire contracts, which hers technically was, could never be converted to recruited-hire contracts.)

Could you improve your relationship through a move? I won't say it's impossible, but it's really hard. The top-ten list of life stressors includes both moving and starting a new job; rekindling a marriage/relationship can be up there too. Doing them all at once can be tough - go to http://www.roadtowellbeing.ca/questionn ... ssors.html to see how your scores would add up if you made the move. Moving means making a million decisions together, about what new-staff activities to take part in, what time to go home, what car to buy, how to furnish your apartment, how to navigate across the city in traffic. How are you right now at making joint decisions? Does it bring you together or lead to fights, accusations and guilt?

Good luck in all your decisions.
PsyGuy
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*Sigh*

Post by PsyGuy »

To review:

1) Walter now agrees regarding visa issues.

2) Walter doesnt understand facts: Couple = Married, and schools care.

3) Walter doesnt know what he thinks he knows.
Walter
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Contact:

Oh dear

Post by Walter »

This is what you said:
"I'm surprised the school took you two as a couple, despite not being married. Usually, heads/admins do not consider bf/gf as a "a couple"."

This is what I said:

"Fact is that in most parts of the world, most (non-religious?) schools have no problem with unmarried teaching couples. Where they have problems is when there is an unmarried couple and one of the two is not a teacher. That's when visa issues kick in. Not a problem, of course, if both are EU citizens and the school is in Europe, but elsewhere is difficult."

I know reading isn't your strong suit, but try this again.

Meantime, you have never hired anyone at any recruitment fair anywhere in the world - and are never likely to be in a position to do so. I do it every year and have done for 25 years. And yet you claim some special insider knowledge...Just like you claim special insider knowledge on the other thread about Doha. How many times do you have to be humiliated?
PsyGuy
Posts: 10789
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:51 am
Location: Northern Europe

Missed

Post by PsyGuy »

If you read a little further youd have seen:

"Schools personally dont have a problem with a teacher bringing their bf/gf. They cant stop someone from traveling to see one of their staff. The issues are 1) they arent going to pay for your bf/gf to visit, and 2) It would be a visit because you can only get a tourist visa. Your bf/gf doesnt qualify for a spousal/dependents visa and they cant get them a work visa."

This explanation was BEFORE yours.
Walter
Posts: 325
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:39 am
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Read the thread!

Post by Walter »

Quite amazing....
Your first incorrect post: Sat May 05 2:55 am
My explanation of what recruiters really think: Sat May 05 12:40 pm
Your revisionist comment: Sun May 06 3:35 am
Read this thread again.
You can't even get something as simple as reading posts in the right order. It's no wonder that the complexities of recruitment and accreditation are so far beyond you.
Seriously, what job do you do in your present school? I really hope for the kids' sake that it doesn't involve anything important.
PsyGuy
Posts: 10789
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:51 am
Location: Northern Europe

Sorry

Post by PsyGuy »

You really cant read, lets see if you can just follow the message chain. My post which includes the previous post was the third response in the thread, it was before any of your posts, and it was not edited (no note of being edited in the bottom of the message. ISR tracks, edits, and edit made after another post follows another post, is recorded with the number of times its edited and the date/time of the last edit).

As discussed in prior threads, post times and dates are only helpful in establishing "order" or posts. Everyone sees times/dates based on their preferences and system settings for the forum.
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