I am at an Eastern European school which I love. The students and package are great, and I'm thrilled to be here. BUT...I feel really bad about a friendship with a local hire which is stressing me out, and I was hoping someone might offer some advice.
I became friends with one of the very few local hires at my school. She does accounting/admin for the school, and we are the same age, so became friends during the (long) visa/residency process.
Now it is awkward. Since we were friends, she's (rightfully?) assumed that friendship means venting about work related issues. But she's really angry and bitter with the school and a lot of my colleagues, mostly because the package is so great for us and so poor for her. For example, she's really angry when colleagues decide to change apartments; she says that her own apartment is half the size of her office, and teachers here have the best apartments in the best parts of the city and are "still not happy"--yes, she is responsible for landlord issues, too.
I LIKE my colleagues, and they have NO idea that my admin. friendn HATES them. In fact, she's always included when the same-age-ish younger teachers go out socially. I really don't understand why she actually goes, but it is starting to make me angry the way the US and UK teachers always subtly cover her portion of dinner or whatever else we are doing (they all know that she doesn't make much money as a local hire). I don't think she should accept this if she can say that she "hates" them.
It is a small school, and I really don't think I want to continue the friendship. But it IS a small school, and this person does payroll, etc. anad will be arranging my new lease for next year (and will be furious, as she's said to me many times that my current apartment is "better than anything normal local families get, and it's all for you"). This sounds terrible, but I wish I hadn't become friends with her when I started here.
And also, she considers me a special friend, and doesn't really talk to the others in our age/social group except for social banter when we all go out. The others have no idea that she feels the way she does about most of the US and UK staff. If I end the friendship, it would be really awkward because of this, and I don't want to get into a situation of telling everyone all of the things that my friend (former friend?) has said about them, but as I said, she IS included in social outings, and she comes, and she and I are known to be friends outside of these outings, so I will look bad to my peers if I just cut her off.
This all looks really petty written out, but I feel stressed about it, especially as I listened to this person complain through Saturday afternoon about another of my US colleagues who she hates beause he only asks her to do things which fall...within her job description.
Please advise...
Friendship with Local Hire (Advice?)
I certainly wouldn't just break off a friendship as it will only make things awkward for you.
However you are going to have to talk to her and say you feel a little uncomfortable about certain things she says or comments on. Don't bring all of those things up at once however...best just to break it in slowly.
The local hires can be a pain in the backside sometimes. They can personally resent people for what is the policy of the school. I understand the frustration that others are getting paid far more for the same job because of their nationality but it is not a justification to be nasty.
Still...that's international teaching for you! These kind of things often seem to come up.
However you are going to have to talk to her and say you feel a little uncomfortable about certain things she says or comments on. Don't bring all of those things up at once however...best just to break it in slowly.
The local hires can be a pain in the backside sometimes. They can personally resent people for what is the policy of the school. I understand the frustration that others are getting paid far more for the same job because of their nationality but it is not a justification to be nasty.
Still...that's international teaching for you! These kind of things often seem to come up.
I know it's a complex and tough situation for you, but for the sake of perspective, let's think about how we would feel should a foreign hire in the U.S. make way more than the "local" U.S. citizens.
I hope this doesn't belittle your situation, but I thought I'd share a different perspective :)
All the best and think long term :)
I hope this doesn't belittle your situation, but I thought I'd share a different perspective :)
All the best and think long term :)
It is a delicate situation and it is obvious why it causes resentment.
However it seems in this case that is just the excuse for this particular somebody to let their bitchiness out.
Ultimately just because there is this unfair two-tier system doesn't mean the kind of personal and individually directed nastiness that abounds should exist. In some schools it is endemic to the point where the expat staff and local staff are essentially segregated.
Until schools agree to stop this system AND demand similar qualifications/experience/professionalism/whatever from ALL staff across the board then it will keep going on...
However it seems in this case that is just the excuse for this particular somebody to let their bitchiness out.
Ultimately just because there is this unfair two-tier system doesn't mean the kind of personal and individually directed nastiness that abounds should exist. In some schools it is endemic to the point where the expat staff and local staff are essentially segregated.
Until schools agree to stop this system AND demand similar qualifications/experience/professionalism/whatever from ALL staff across the board then it will keep going on...
I agree with the above response that the woman would probably be unhappy whatever the situation. How nice that your colleagues include her in their activities and pay her way. How unfortunate she doesn't appreciate it. You are smart to keep her remarks to yourself and not fill in the other foreign hires about her feelings towards them.
This is indeed a sticky situation. You have two choices, I think: 1. If you want to keep her as a friend (because you otherwise enjoy her, not out of guilt or fear): Stop her cold when she starts ranting. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you like her, the school, and your colleagues, and it's not fair for her to put you in the middle. You also need to remind her--and probably more than once--that the imbalance is NOT your fault, nor that of your fellow teachers. She should be addressing this with the school board. You might even try agreeing with her that you and your friends are very fortunate, you're thankful for your education that allows you to live and work there, and the opportunity to meet locals.
2. If you do want to break off with her: Stay friendly, but start distancing yourself. Chitchat as usual at school, like in front of other people so she can't start ranting. Avoid being alone with her so she doesn't have the opportunity, and if she calls, make a pretext to end the call. If she's still included in social activities with your group, put others between the two of you.
This is indeed a sticky situation. You have two choices, I think: 1. If you want to keep her as a friend (because you otherwise enjoy her, not out of guilt or fear): Stop her cold when she starts ranting. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you like her, the school, and your colleagues, and it's not fair for her to put you in the middle. You also need to remind her--and probably more than once--that the imbalance is NOT your fault, nor that of your fellow teachers. She should be addressing this with the school board. You might even try agreeing with her that you and your friends are very fortunate, you're thankful for your education that allows you to live and work there, and the opportunity to meet locals.
2. If you do want to break off with her: Stay friendly, but start distancing yourself. Chitchat as usual at school, like in front of other people so she can't start ranting. Avoid being alone with her so she doesn't have the opportunity, and if she calls, make a pretext to end the call. If she's still included in social activities with your group, put others between the two of you.