Once you start attacking me by calling me hysterical (a term with a lot of misogynistic history), a lunatic, a manhater, a troll from China (really?!), most people leave the discussion as they don't want to deal with the mud-slinging. These are very effective tactics to get people to look away.

Other people here have pointed out that whether the director is a good guy or bad guy (btw people are not that simple), things can go wrong. Not just for the two people directly involved, but for other people that work there. Focus on their comments and think about them if you find my comments so threatening. I am not threatened by you or your comments.

I do agree, however, that much of what needs to be said has been said here and closing this discussion is probably a good idea. I am very worried that women who are being harassed in the workplace will read it and be reminded that if they speak out about their experiences they will be labeled hysterical, a lunatic, a manhater, and (my favorite) a troll from China.

Again, for the billionth time, I have referred to an abuse of power.

I don't care if you personally think I undermine MeToo. You are not the person I am trying to help. I listen to victims and hear their voices and see just where things went wrong. Because I am the one who gets the phone calls and the emails from teachers who have left teaching because of this and in a few cases were contemplating suicide because of the abuse they received.

Because I am the one in the trenches doing the work and trying to get schools to align their standards with already existing standards set up by human rights organizations and companies who are already way ahead of international schools in how they address metoo issues.

Because I am the one who tries to warn others of the danger behind people using their position of power to coerce subordinates and then I have to listen to an argument about how not all men do this as if I don't already know that not all men abuse women. Far too many of them look away when it happens, but you want me to clap my hands because some don't directly abuse women. Women are by far the victims of this because the people who hold the power are mostly men who have been taught that having as much sex with women as they can makes them more powerful and manly.

How quickly you jumped to the rescue the character of an anonymous man you don't even know that you only perceived I slighted. Would you have jumped so quickly to rescue the character of a woman if her reputation and job and well-being were destroyed after she SAYS she was targeted by a man? Would you even believe her?

You are literally making the #notallmen argument. You do realize that?

https://medium.com/@KirstyStricklan/why ... 57e244f7a1

https://www.bustle.com/articles/171595- ... versations

https://time.com/79357/not-all-men-a-br ... -argument/

> You really are quite
> sexist, aren't you?

I have repeatedly referred to the abuse of power. The person in power here is a man. The person not in power is a woman. And, due to misogyny, women are blamed for most sexual misconduct. This is not sexist to point out.

You are using situations with happy endings to ignore the fact that many of these situations don't go well.

As a former IS teacher, I am very familiar with IS and the needs of an expat community. I understand your arguments, but they can be used to gaslight women when they have a negative experience. I've worked in this field several years now and while you know of many examples that worked out fine, I know of many examples where it didn't. An issue of sexual harassment/assault gets written off as an "interpersonal problem" and a relationship gone bad between two people when in reality the woman suffers enormous career and mental health consequences and the man escapes unharmed.

I'm sorry you take issue with my himpathy language. But, I stand by the fact that you appeared to center your concerns on what the director will feel and not on what she will feel, and she is the person at greatest risk here. He holds all the cards.

I realize that expat IS communities are small and many teachers use it to hook up with one another and (sometimes) try and find love. But, I also know that some really bad behaviors get swept under the rug because of the acceptance of these "romances." I am not arguing that all romantic relationships must be stopped, but I stand by the inappropriateness of a person in a position of power (Director, Supervisor, Department Head) going out with a subordinate.

> A LOT of people read these forums. If he does, he'll recognize it. Yes, it is her
> "prerogative to ask advice from whomever she wants", but that doesn't mean
> everyone is going to view her posting here the same way. A thing might be your
> prerogative, but that doesn't mean your colleagues and supervisor have to view it as
> professional.

So...do I understand this correctly? Your biggest fear is that the director or others will read this and dislike her because she has posted this anonymously on a public forum? Thus making HER indiscreet??? You don't think the biggest fear here is that a person in a position of power is asking out his subordinate? That's a lot of himpathy. Power dynamics are coercive and his behavior is totally inappropriate, not only to this woman but to the other women that work in his school. I would hope if he reads this forum he would get a good slap in the face and knock it off.

However, I do think it's possible he won't learn that lesson and instead will just shun her now and treat her terribly. So, if there really is a serious threat to her for having posted here, then this thread should definitely be deleted. If anyone wants to start a new thread about general MeToo issues in international schools (with no details of specific cases), I am in favor of doing that instead!

I disagree. Does he invite every employee to lunch? Is it fair? How others view it could lead to bullying and nasty gossip about her. And, once the gossip gets started there will be little she can do.

The OP hasn't come back on here, but hopefully she decided to be very cautious here. If something goes bad, she can find help on the MeTooEdu website.

I don't think we disagree on that much.

1) You're right. It's a lose-lose situation. As soon as she's been targeted it can go bad no matter what she does.

2) You're right here too. Thank you for reminding me that I was thinking of Western laws, etc. However, I still believe documenting things can help later down the road, even if it's just to avoid gaslighting herself. I think even if you have video/audio, etc, it still often won't matter legally. But, should she decide to talk about it later on social media, etc. she has evidence she can use.

3) I don't think we are disagreeing here. Whatever the board or ownership or PTA is, we seem to agree that they will dismiss her.

4) I know of one accreditation organization that has started drafting guidelines for schools that are similar to the child safeguarding guidelines. It could still take ages before it actually gets implemented and whether or not they will be effective is yet to be seen, but to say they don't care or aren't doing anything is not accurate. I could be really cynical here, but I choose to have hope and optimism that they can do something.

5) Oh I also disagree here. I believe men can control themselves, especially if their community finds their behavior inappropriate. The way you stated it makes it sound as if men just can't help themselves. It also leads to a terrible assumption that only attractive women get sexually abused. This allows men to say they couldn't possibly have raped/harassed someone because she's not his type.

6) I sadly agree. As long as men don't step up and hold each other accountable, abuse will still be easy for abusers to carry out. Too many people don't want to get involved because they can't be bothered or don't want it to hurt their job. I've heard from many victims that the lack of help from bystanders is far more painful than the abuse.

7) Very true! Thank you for correcting me on this. On the resource page we warn women that reporting incidences of rape, etc in certain cultures can land you in jail for sex outside of marriage, etc. In this case, I was using post-metoo a bit sarcastically. I will be more careful in the future.

The reason the www.metoo-edu.org website exists is to help teachers who are sexually abused at work. The stories I hear always involve an abuse of power and the victim is always blamed for the abuse. The abuser faces no consequences.

***You should note that it often starts out casual with the victim thinking it doesn't mean anything and the person is just being nice.***

This male director has power over your job reference. Do NOT go out on any casual outings with your director. No lunches. No dinners. Set a firm boundary and keep a distance. Document all requests he makes to go out (no matter how nice and innocent they seem). If you feel like he begins to act inappropriately towards you once you turn him down, document all those behaviors as well. Even with all these things documented, if you reach a point where you want to report him, you'll be reporting his behavior to the board who will likely defend him and attack you. They won't want this sort of thing to get out to the parents/public. They will humiliate you. None of your coworkers will support you even if they think what he did was wrong. You can consider anonymously reporting his behavior to the accreditation body of the school. But, I wouldn't do that until you've left and safely secured another job.

I know you want to roll your eyes and ignore the above because it's scary and maybe feels silly to think this could go so wrong (...and he's just so NICE). But, it will go so so so wrong. As a woman, YOU will bear the full costs of anything that goes bad and not him. Like one of the commenters said above, ask yourself what kind of man asks out his subordinates? Use that to emotionally distance yourself from him. If that doesn't work, think about how your coworkers will view you for going out with the director. They may laugh with you and cheer you on, but they will not be kind if he later coerces and bullies you and they witness it. They will think you deserved it or tell themselves that you did so they don't have to get involved. I also wonder about the other men who work in this school. What do they think about their male director asking out female subordinates? Their silence in this situation and willingness to look the other way tells you a lot about the workplace culture there and the way you will be treated when things go bad.

We may live in a post-MeToo society, but the way we think about women in these situations hasn't changed much. Please see the resources on the site to find confidential help for your situation - https://metoo-edu.org/resources/